1 00:00:41,908 --> 00:00:45,241 Hello, gentlemen, sorry to have kept you waiting. 2 00:00:45,412 --> 00:00:48,210 Which one of you is Mr Hitler? 3 00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:50,611 That'll be me. 4 00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:53,275 Any relation? 5 00:00:53,453 --> 00:00:55,387 Well, I've got a mother. 6 00:00:56,389 --> 00:00:59,449 No, no, I meant Adolf Hitler. 7 00:00:59,626 --> 00:01:01,526 Yes, that's her. 8 00:01:03,696 --> 00:01:06,324 How interesting. 9 00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:15,266 Come through to the office. 10 00:01:15,442 --> 00:01:18,343 - Shut up! 11 00:01:18,511 --> 00:01:20,342 Ooh! 12 00:01:20,513 --> 00:01:25,177 We'll start with a little look at your videos, all right? 13 00:01:25,351 --> 00:01:28,809 Can you see all right? 14 00:01:30,223 --> 00:01:32,282 No, that's why I wear glasses. 15 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:41,697 I've got excellent eyesight! Which is remarkable when you think about it! 16 00:01:44,471 --> 00:01:45,802 Right. 17 00:01:45,972 --> 00:01:48,167 Here comes the first video. 18 00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:55,312 Is it on? Here we go. 19 00:01:55,482 --> 00:01:58,940 Smooth, suave and sophisticated! You've got it! 20 00:02:00,487 --> 00:02:05,891 Hello, girls! Eddie Hitler here! Come and get it! 21 00:02:07,827 --> 00:02:10,489 Yep, that ought to do it! 22 00:02:11,764 --> 00:02:14,961 Now, what sort of woman are you looking for? 23 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,466 Kim Basinger. 24 00:02:17,604 --> 00:02:20,402 Right. A woman like Kim Basinger. 25 00:02:20,573 --> 00:02:25,567 No, Kim Basinger. The real one. 26 00:02:25,745 --> 00:02:28,270 I'm afraid she's not on our books. 27 00:02:28,448 --> 00:02:31,349 Well, it's not much of a love bureau, is it? 28 00:02:31,518 --> 00:02:36,285 Well, shall we look at yours, then, Mr Richard? 29 00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:44,786 What, here in the office? That's a bit thorough, isn't it? 30 00:02:46,266 --> 00:02:49,326 No, no, no! I meant your video. 31 00:02:49,502 --> 00:02:52,403 Sorry! I'm new to this game. I had loads of birds, 32 00:02:52,572 --> 00:02:56,406 but there was a coach crash last week and I lost 40 of 'em. 33 00:02:56,576 --> 00:03:00,410 Well, let's just have a look at the tape, then, shall we? 34 00:03:00,580 --> 00:03:05,916 Do we have to? It's awful! I hate it! Let's just skip the whole thing! 35 00:03:06,085 --> 00:03:10,852 You'd do. You're a bit raggy around the edges but beggars can't be choosers. 36 00:03:12,091 --> 00:03:15,458 Did I tell you that's a smashing blouse you've got on? 37 00:03:15,628 --> 00:03:18,654 - No. - That's a smashing blouse you've got on! 38 00:03:18,831 --> 00:03:20,924 - Oh, yes? - Er... er... 39 00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:24,331 Help me out. I've exhausted all me chat-up lines. 40 00:03:24,504 --> 00:03:26,995 Why don't we just watch the video? 41 00:03:27,173 --> 00:03:32,873 - Yes, of course. What are we waiting for? - Here it is, then. 42 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,071 Hello. 43 00:03:36,249 --> 00:03:37,682 Hello. 44 00:03:37,850 --> 00:03:40,375 Er... 45 00:03:40,553 --> 00:03:42,851 Lovely weather. 46 00:03:44,424 --> 00:03:46,289 I can't see you, obviously, 47 00:03:46,459 --> 00:03:49,826 but I bet you've all got smashing blouses on. 48 00:03:54,701 --> 00:03:58,967 My name's Richard, and I'm looking for a friend. 49 00:04:00,106 --> 00:04:01,869 Well, a lover really. 50 00:04:02,041 --> 00:04:04,509 Failing that, a quick wriggle would do. 51 00:04:04,677 --> 00:04:08,841 And by the way, I am the Duke of Kidderminster and extremely rich! 52 00:04:10,483 --> 00:04:12,314 Oh! 53 00:04:12,485 --> 00:04:14,476 I didn't realise you were nobility! 54 00:04:15,388 --> 00:04:17,618 Nor did I! 55 00:04:17,790 --> 00:04:21,487 Oh, yes, I am an eccentric millionaire, you know. 56 00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:27,631 I'm so inbred, I'm a bit stupid. 57 00:04:29,969 --> 00:04:31,960 We've been inbreeding since the Vikings. 58 00:04:32,138 --> 00:04:36,336 There's no one loopier than the Richards! Bottom fish bananas! 59 00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:39,043 Et cetera! 60 00:04:39,712 --> 00:04:43,307 Well, let's have a look at your forms, then, shall we? 61 00:04:43,483 --> 00:04:48,352 I see. You want someone homely, 62 00:04:48,521 --> 00:04:50,011 with cooking skills, 63 00:04:50,189 --> 00:04:52,555 fun to be with, 64 00:04:52,725 --> 00:04:54,955 and a wazzo pair of jugs? 65 00:04:56,829 --> 00:04:59,627 - That's right. - But obviously, we're flexible. 66 00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:03,257 - But not about the jugs. - We have to be firm on the jugs. 67 00:05:03,436 --> 00:05:06,132 And the jugs have to be very firm. 68 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:10,367 Oh, come off it, Eddie, there must be more to life than jugs! 69 00:05:12,612 --> 00:05:14,580 What? 70 00:05:16,716 --> 00:05:19,241 You're right. A wazzo pair of jugs it is! 71 00:05:20,086 --> 00:05:22,919 Right, well, I've inputted your data. 72 00:05:23,089 --> 00:05:25,580 Ooh! 73 00:05:25,758 --> 00:05:29,319 And I think we've come up with the perfect date. 74 00:05:29,495 --> 00:05:33,124 Lady Natasha Letitia Sarah Jane Wellesley... 75 00:05:33,299 --> 00:05:35,358 ...Obstromsky Ponsonsky 76 00:05:35,535 --> 00:05:40,905 Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Oblomov Boblomov Dob, 77 00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:43,201 3rd Viscomptness of Moldavia! 78 00:05:43,376 --> 00:05:46,436 Sounds great! We'll have half a dozen! 79 00:05:46,612 --> 00:05:49,172 Shut up, Eddie. She sounds marvellous! 80 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:52,876 In fact, oh, I'm in love. 81 00:05:53,052 --> 00:05:55,987 - I'll take her! - There's her phone number, 82 00:05:56,155 --> 00:05:58,089 and the very best of luck! 83 00:05:58,257 --> 00:05:59,781 Thank you very much indeed. 84 00:05:59,959 --> 00:06:02,450 And what have you got for me? 85 00:06:03,062 --> 00:06:04,962 Um... 86 00:06:06,632 --> 00:06:08,361 Sarah Ferguson! 87 00:06:11,838 --> 00:06:14,329 Do you mind? I'm a respectable man! 88 00:06:14,507 --> 00:06:17,476 Come, Richie, let us leave while we still have our dignity. 89 00:06:17,643 --> 00:06:20,544 Sarah Ferguson indeed! 90 00:06:27,253 --> 00:06:29,380 That'll just have to do. 91 00:06:29,555 --> 00:06:32,353 - Now, your name's Jives, got that? - Jives. 92 00:06:32,525 --> 00:06:35,255 You take her coat, curtsy and say, 93 00:06:35,428 --> 00:06:38,226 "Charming evening, ma-a-a'am." 94 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,730 Why have I got to say "ma-a-a'am?" 95 00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:43,960 It's just a speech impediment that all butlers have. 96 00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:46,799 Come on! This evening's cost me a lot of money! 97 00:06:46,973 --> 00:06:51,501 I had to sell a kidney to pay for this stuff, so don't mess it up! 98 00:06:51,677 --> 00:06:55,875 I'll soon get another kidney once I've sold off a bit of her property. 99 00:06:56,048 --> 00:06:57,743 Well, I offered them mine. 100 00:06:57,917 --> 00:07:00,784 Well, they're not much use pickled, are they? 101 00:07:00,953 --> 00:07:03,114 Mind you, Sarsons were interested. 102 00:07:03,289 --> 00:07:06,349 I still say we should mug her. 103 00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:11,122 Don't worry. I know what I'm doing. I've got aristocratic blood in me. 104 00:07:11,297 --> 00:07:15,529 They all give blood and I've had loads of transfusions, 105 00:07:15,701 --> 00:07:19,398 so the chances are I've got a lot of nob in me. 106 00:07:22,642 --> 00:07:24,837 I really think this is the one. 107 00:07:25,011 --> 00:07:27,844 Even on the phone, there was an immediate sexual tension. 108 00:07:28,014 --> 00:07:31,074 What, you mean you felt horny and she felt tense? 109 00:07:31,250 --> 00:07:32,774 Yeah! No! 110 00:07:32,952 --> 00:07:35,785 Oh, shut up, Eddie! 111 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:41,158 You're just jealous because you're only a servant. Were you never in love? 112 00:07:41,327 --> 00:07:43,261 Yes, I was actually. 113 00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:48,062 Oh! What was her name? 114 00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:50,266 Harry. 115 00:07:52,672 --> 00:07:54,105 Harry? 116 00:07:54,273 --> 00:07:56,434 Harry Belafonte. 117 00:07:57,510 --> 00:08:00,274 Wait a minute. You were in love with Harry Belafonte? 118 00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:03,642 Well, that's what she said her name was. 119 00:08:03,816 --> 00:08:07,308 She shouted it over her shoulder as she ran away into the night. 120 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,921 Well, let's just forget it, shall we? 121 00:08:10,089 --> 00:08:12,250 That's what SHE said! 122 00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:14,052 Look, let's just drop it! 123 00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:15,956 She said that as well! 124 00:08:16,128 --> 00:08:18,358 Edward Hitler, I'm really not interested! 125 00:08:18,531 --> 00:08:21,762 This is uncanny! Were you there? 126 00:08:21,934 --> 00:08:24,334 - Oh, God, she's here! 127 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,699 Oh, oh, oh, oh! 128 00:08:26,873 --> 00:08:30,206 I'm shaking like a leaf! I need a stiff one! 129 00:08:30,376 --> 00:08:34,540 There'll be plenty of time for that later. Shall I answer the door? 130 00:08:34,714 --> 00:08:37,842 - No, I mean a drink, you fool! - Oh, right! 131 00:08:39,418 --> 00:08:40,885 Thanks, Eddie. 132 00:08:43,990 --> 00:08:45,787 Phew! Whoo! 133 00:08:49,862 --> 00:08:51,762 That's the stuff! What was it? 134 00:08:52,565 --> 00:08:53,930 Tizer. 135 00:08:58,571 --> 00:09:02,371 - Well, it does the trick! I'll have another. - No, steady on, Richie. 136 00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:06,603 - All right! Take it easy, you bitch! 137 00:09:06,779 --> 00:09:08,747 I mean, Your Bitchness. 138 00:09:08,915 --> 00:09:12,248 I mean, Lady Bitch. Oh, God! What do you call them? 139 00:09:12,418 --> 00:09:16,115 Jugs. What do you call them? 140 00:09:18,257 --> 00:09:22,557 - Go and answer the door, all right? - Right you are, ma-a-a'am. 141 00:09:22,728 --> 00:09:26,994 I despair! I really do! I'd better prepare myself to receive her! 142 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,705 Charming evening, Your Ma-a-a'am. 143 00:09:36,876 --> 00:09:39,572 - What are you doing? - Taking your coat. 144 00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:44,614 - I don't want you to take my coat! - I'm under strict instructions 145 00:09:44,784 --> 00:09:46,911 not to let anyone in with their coats on! 146 00:09:55,161 --> 00:09:59,655 - Look, do you wanna come in or not? - No! I'm collecting for the needy. 147 00:09:59,832 --> 00:10:02,494 This is for Victims of Domestic Violence. 148 00:10:04,837 --> 00:10:06,634 Ta very much! 149 00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:16,208 That looks like a nasty one. 150 00:10:16,382 --> 00:10:18,873 Have some yourself, dearie! 151 00:10:21,020 --> 00:10:24,922 Good evening, my dear. What a charming blouse you've got on! 152 00:10:29,829 --> 00:10:32,889 - Where is she?! - False alarm. It was a do-gooder. 153 00:10:33,065 --> 00:10:36,728 - Great! How much did you make? - Looks like about ten quid. 154 00:10:36,902 --> 00:10:39,393 - Oh, great! - Ooh, and a bit of a coat! 155 00:10:39,572 --> 00:10:42,268 Put it with the other bits. You know what they say, 156 00:10:42,441 --> 00:10:46,775 - "Charity begins at home!" - It's where it ends in our house! 157 00:10:50,282 --> 00:10:53,342 Wait, wait, wait, wait! 158 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:58,456 What is this? You haven't even cleaned these bowls out! 159 00:10:58,624 --> 00:11:02,822 This is disgusting! Do I have to do everything myself? What is this stuff? 160 00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:05,555 That's the caviar. 161 00:11:05,731 --> 00:11:09,360 - What? - 200 quids' worth. That's about half a kidney. 162 00:11:11,570 --> 00:11:14,596 Oh, yes, so it is. 163 00:11:14,774 --> 00:11:18,107 They've changed the design a little bit, haven't they? 164 00:11:18,277 --> 00:11:21,440 Very novel and interesting. That'll do. 165 00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:23,605 Have you strained your vegetables? 166 00:11:23,783 --> 00:11:27,412 No, it's just these hired trousers are a bit tight. 167 00:11:27,586 --> 00:11:33,218 Get on with it! You haven't even mashed the potatoes! Where's the potato masher? 168 00:11:33,392 --> 00:11:36,691 Harry "I'll do anything for half a pint" Grundy has it. 169 00:11:36,862 --> 00:11:38,727 Has he still got it? 170 00:11:38,898 --> 00:11:41,924 Yeah, they couldn't get it out of him at the hospital. 171 00:11:42,101 --> 00:11:44,695 - Well, just use your head. - What do you mean? 172 00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:46,201 This. 173 00:11:51,477 --> 00:11:53,741 Ahem! 174 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:12,895 Good evening. 175 00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:14,999 I am Natasha. 176 00:12:16,936 --> 00:12:21,134 I'm sorry I'm late, but there was a dead body on the stairs. 177 00:12:21,307 --> 00:12:23,571 You must be the Duke of Kidderminster. 178 00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:27,770 - They told me you were loopy. - No, no, no... 179 00:12:30,549 --> 00:12:34,576 No, my dear, I am His Dukeness. This is merely Jives, my batman. 180 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,813 That's right. I'm Bruce Wayne. 181 00:12:38,557 --> 00:12:40,616 Come on, Eddie, do your stuff. 182 00:12:44,897 --> 00:12:47,991 Charming evening, Your Ma-a-a'am! 183 00:12:50,402 --> 00:12:52,097 Get off! Get off! 184 00:12:52,271 --> 00:12:55,035 She's mine! Get back to the kitchen! 185 00:13:02,248 --> 00:13:06,651 It's so nice to meet genuine aristocracy for a change. 186 00:13:06,819 --> 00:13:09,947 There are so many fakers! 187 00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:12,989 Yes, you're not wrong there, m'dear. 188 00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:15,855 Come through to the polo lounge. 189 00:13:24,103 --> 00:13:25,798 Polo? 190 00:13:28,607 --> 00:13:30,666 Thank you. 191 00:13:31,677 --> 00:13:34,441 - Charming flat! - Do you think so? 192 00:13:35,147 --> 00:13:38,913 Oh, this is just my London pomme de terre. 193 00:13:40,119 --> 00:13:44,283 My castles are scattered all over the place because I never know where I'll be. 194 00:13:44,456 --> 00:13:46,253 Bloody fox hunts go on for ever - 195 00:13:46,425 --> 00:13:49,292 don't know where you're going to end up! Start off in Berk-shire, 196 00:13:49,461 --> 00:13:52,191 end up in Twatshire! 197 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:57,233 Would madam care for a HORS d'oeuvre? 198 00:13:57,403 --> 00:14:00,395 Don't be so foul! Get back to your kitchen! 199 00:14:14,787 --> 00:14:16,277 Ha, ha, ha! 200 00:14:16,455 --> 00:14:19,720 Yes, we only have the one castle in Moldavia, too. 201 00:14:19,892 --> 00:14:21,359 But, oh... 202 00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:24,325 But, oh, oh, oh... 203 00:14:24,496 --> 00:14:26,896 But, but, oh... 204 00:14:27,066 --> 00:14:29,000 Natasha, you are so beautiful! 205 00:14:29,168 --> 00:14:33,832 And, if I may say so, what a charming, smashing blouse you have on. 206 00:14:35,474 --> 00:14:38,739 - It's a dress. - What? Oh, sh... 207 00:14:40,412 --> 00:14:42,243 Well, er... 208 00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:45,280 Eddie... Jives! 209 00:14:45,451 --> 00:14:49,387 - Yes, sir? - What did Shakespeare used to say? 210 00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:52,718 "Hello, my dear, I'm a playwright, you know. Give us a snog!" 211 00:14:56,395 --> 00:14:57,987 No, Eddie! 212 00:14:58,163 --> 00:15:02,725 "Where's my quill? Bloody hell, I bought five yesterday! Where do they all go?!" 213 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:06,963 Ha, ha, ha! No, really, what was it he used to say? 214 00:15:07,139 --> 00:15:12,202 "It's not crap! There's eight bodies at the end and he has to shag his mum!" 215 00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:23,517 It's on the tip of my tongue. Oh, who cares what he said! 216 00:15:23,689 --> 00:15:26,817 - The git's dead anyway! - He said that, did he? 217 00:15:26,992 --> 00:15:30,928 Yes, he did, actually. Henry the 19th, act four, scene 38. 218 00:15:31,730 --> 00:15:33,391 - A-hem! 219 00:15:34,833 --> 00:15:36,391 Dinner is served! 220 00:15:36,568 --> 00:15:41,528 Eddie, are you mad? We're not at the table yet! Hurry or he'll wolf the lot! 221 00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:50,982 Squashed potatoes? 222 00:15:51,150 --> 00:15:54,210 Very possibly, Eddie, I just sat down too fast. 223 00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:57,211 Squashed potatoes, ma-a-a'am? 224 00:15:58,223 --> 00:16:02,626 Oh, how deliciously aristocratically eccentric! 225 00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:04,626 I love peasant food! 226 00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:08,766 Jives... 227 00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:10,959 Jives! 228 00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:14,105 JIVES! Eddie! 229 00:16:14,273 --> 00:16:16,571 - Yes? - Have you opened the wine yet? 230 00:16:16,742 --> 00:16:18,972 - Yes, I have. - Where is it? 231 00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:22,409 I opened it ages ago. Where do you think it is? Hic! 232 00:16:23,782 --> 00:16:26,273 Oh! And caviar! 233 00:16:26,452 --> 00:16:31,856 Yes! This really is high-class, swanky time. Caviar! I love this stuff! 234 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,760 Eddie! 235 00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:44,465 What actually is caviar? 236 00:16:44,636 --> 00:16:47,298 It's fish poo, Your Highness. 237 00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:55,737 - It's what?! - It's fish poo, Your Dukeness. 238 00:16:55,914 --> 00:17:00,908 It comes out of a very expensive fish's bottom. 239 00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:05,915 I knew the aristocracy were depraved but I didn't think it had got this far. 240 00:17:06,091 --> 00:17:08,719 What's for dessert, peacock's vomit? 241 00:17:10,229 --> 00:17:11,560 Pork? 242 00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:14,931 Eddie, how dare you? 243 00:17:16,802 --> 00:17:18,394 She is my fiancee! 244 00:17:18,570 --> 00:17:21,437 I was only asking her if she wanted a portion! 245 00:17:24,243 --> 00:17:26,734 Excuse us a moment... Eddie! 246 00:17:35,187 --> 00:17:37,712 Let that be a lesson... This isn't right! 247 00:17:46,465 --> 00:17:48,092 Don't let it happen again! 248 00:17:50,702 --> 00:17:53,296 And let that be a lesson to you! 249 00:17:53,472 --> 00:17:57,306 That was delicious! 250 00:17:57,476 --> 00:17:59,637 Oh, you've eaten everything. 251 00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:02,076 Well done! That's very brave. 252 00:18:03,415 --> 00:18:05,542 In that case, it's time to... 253 00:18:06,819 --> 00:18:09,720 Oh... Natasha... 254 00:18:10,689 --> 00:18:12,520 That IS your name, isn't it? 255 00:18:12,691 --> 00:18:14,022 Yes. 256 00:18:14,193 --> 00:18:16,821 Oh, Natasha, 257 00:18:16,995 --> 00:18:19,486 I know it's a bit sudden, but... 258 00:18:20,165 --> 00:18:25,262 ...I love you. I love you with all my heart and all my soul and all my, you know... 259 00:18:26,738 --> 00:18:28,069 ...everything. 260 00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,037 I know it's mad and it's crazy, 261 00:18:30,209 --> 00:18:33,474 and I know it's wild even, but... 262 00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,548 will you marry me? 263 00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:41,908 - Yes. - You don't have to be like that... Pardon?! 264 00:18:42,888 --> 00:18:45,083 Of course I will marry you, 265 00:18:45,257 --> 00:18:48,158 but not because all my family's assets have been wiped out 266 00:18:48,327 --> 00:18:51,455 in the civil war in Moldavia and we are now penniless! 267 00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:54,963 Never mind about all that now. Did you just say yes? 268 00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,967 - Yes. - Oh! 269 00:18:59,538 --> 00:19:01,836 Er... 270 00:19:05,043 --> 00:19:06,442 Natasha... 271 00:19:06,612 --> 00:19:09,775 ...do you believe in sex before marriage? 272 00:19:09,948 --> 00:19:11,813 Yes. 273 00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:15,986 Would you... Would you practise it? 274 00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:17,679 Yes, I would. 275 00:19:20,959 --> 00:19:26,192 Would you sign something to that effect? Just an informal agreement, 276 00:19:26,365 --> 00:19:28,390 but legally binding, obviously. 277 00:19:28,567 --> 00:19:29,966 Sure. 278 00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,336 Bloody hell! 279 00:19:36,441 --> 00:19:39,899 Eddie, I think I must be hallucinating! 280 00:19:40,078 --> 00:19:42,410 Well, we'll soon find out. 281 00:19:48,554 --> 00:19:50,886 Now, did that hurt? 282 00:19:51,056 --> 00:19:53,524 - Yes, mightily. - Then you're not hallucinating. 283 00:19:54,393 --> 00:19:56,020 Oh, God! 284 00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:57,924 God, it's actually true! 285 00:19:58,096 --> 00:20:02,192 Tonight's the night! I'm actually gonna... 286 00:20:03,402 --> 00:20:06,337 Oh, God, it's so romantic! 287 00:20:07,739 --> 00:20:11,971 You did definitely say the two of us are definitely going to do it? 288 00:20:12,144 --> 00:20:17,047 Of course, my darling dreamboat. Why, haven't you done it before? 289 00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:20,583 No, never. I mean, yes! Of course! 290 00:20:20,752 --> 00:20:23,084 I do it all the time! 291 00:20:23,255 --> 00:20:25,780 I've already had it off 20 times today! 292 00:20:25,958 --> 00:20:28,893 Have it off, have it off - that's all I do! 293 00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:32,997 Are we going to have it off again? All right, then. 294 00:20:33,165 --> 00:20:37,693 I'd better nip upstairs and slip into something more comfortable. 295 00:20:38,604 --> 00:20:43,041 Upstairs, second door on the right. Knock first so you don't catch me in my pants. 296 00:20:44,209 --> 00:20:48,543 You'll soon see everything, so it doesn't matter. I'll get it out now! 297 00:20:48,714 --> 00:20:51,410 No, Richie, don't spoil the atmos! 298 00:20:52,718 --> 00:20:56,017 You're right, Eddie, I've got to think more romantic. 299 00:20:56,188 --> 00:21:01,421 I'll just pop upstairs and scrape off the sheets. 300 00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:07,427 See you in a mo. 301 00:21:08,233 --> 00:21:10,565 In a SEX mo! 302 00:21:14,539 --> 00:21:17,474 This isn't some sort of joke, is it? 303 00:21:17,643 --> 00:21:21,170 No, my love. It is the real thing. 304 00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:24,244 A bient�t! 305 00:21:25,651 --> 00:21:29,417 Bloody hell - a bien toe! 306 00:21:29,588 --> 00:21:32,056 Saucy bitch! 307 00:21:33,425 --> 00:21:36,588 Wait a minute. What's going on here? 308 00:21:36,762 --> 00:21:40,789 To marry that, you'd have to be clinically insane or on the make! 309 00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:42,763 Now, then... 310 00:21:43,602 --> 00:21:45,297 ...which is it? 311 00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:49,873 If you're just here to emotionally cripple Richie, 312 00:21:50,042 --> 00:21:53,478 then that's perfectly OK with me. 313 00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:58,048 I have to marry the first stupidly wealthy aristocrat I can find 314 00:21:58,216 --> 00:22:01,208 or my whole family will be impoverished for ever, 315 00:22:01,386 --> 00:22:03,445 and I so hate poor people! 316 00:22:05,424 --> 00:22:07,255 Well... 317 00:22:07,426 --> 00:22:12,420 if that's the case, I've a few quid flying about the place, you know. 318 00:22:13,298 --> 00:22:14,890 See? 319 00:22:15,067 --> 00:22:19,629 And if it's stupidity you want, no one's more stupid than the Hitlers! 320 00:22:23,141 --> 00:22:28,340 I am tempted, Eddie, but I am already betrothed to another, 321 00:22:28,513 --> 00:22:30,572 but if anything should happen to Richie, 322 00:22:30,749 --> 00:22:36,210 I will be onto you and up your trouser leg like a whippet! 323 00:22:41,093 --> 00:22:47,521 Where did I put that sex manual? Might as well get some practice in before she gets here. 324 00:22:47,699 --> 00:22:51,157 Here we go. Page one. 325 00:22:51,336 --> 00:22:53,930 "For-re-play." 326 00:22:55,107 --> 00:22:56,734 Here we go. 327 00:23:04,549 --> 00:23:07,814 15 minutes. 328 00:23:12,290 --> 00:23:14,884 Not much in it for me, is there? 329 00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:17,426 Must be a misprint. Must mean seconds! 330 00:23:17,596 --> 00:23:19,029 Right, that's that... 331 00:23:20,232 --> 00:23:22,666 Bloody hell! 332 00:23:22,834 --> 00:23:25,132 Things are hotting up now! 333 00:23:25,303 --> 00:23:28,295 I don't think I've got time to grow a beard. 334 00:23:30,909 --> 00:23:32,774 Hang on... 335 00:23:37,215 --> 00:23:39,206 ...that's not a beard! 336 00:23:40,986 --> 00:23:44,615 "Ugh! I hope he's cleaned his teeth! 337 00:23:46,057 --> 00:23:49,652 Right, here we go, then. One leg there, 338 00:23:49,828 --> 00:23:53,127 and her leg around here... 339 00:23:56,668 --> 00:23:59,364 Richie, my darling, are you ready yet? 340 00:23:59,538 --> 00:24:02,029 Er, hang on a moment, 341 00:24:02,207 --> 00:24:05,233 I think I've got to change my pyjama bottoms! 342 00:24:06,077 --> 00:24:10,878 What? Oh, you silly boy, you won't need pyjamas, my darling, 343 00:24:11,049 --> 00:24:13,574 not unless you want to tie me up! 344 00:24:20,992 --> 00:24:24,052 I'm sorry, I've forgotten how to talk! 345 00:24:24,229 --> 00:24:26,356 Come in. Come in. 346 00:24:26,531 --> 00:24:27,862 Oh! 347 00:24:28,033 --> 00:24:32,129 This is a very sexy room! 348 00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:36,104 I bet you've been naughty in here a few times! 349 00:24:36,274 --> 00:24:40,973 You're not wrong there. Swearing, doodling on the walls, 350 00:24:41,146 --> 00:24:44,638 flicking the Vs out of the window more times than I care to remember! 351 00:24:45,684 --> 00:24:48,118 And are you going to be naughty now? 352 00:24:49,788 --> 00:24:52,882 Medically, the chances are against it. 353 00:24:53,058 --> 00:24:58,963 I thought that we could just sit and chat for a couple of hours and... 354 00:24:59,130 --> 00:25:03,829 Eskimos are very interesting people, aren't they? 355 00:25:04,002 --> 00:25:08,564 I've always thought it fortunate that there isn't an animal called an "ig", 356 00:25:08,740 --> 00:25:11,800 because he'd go to the toilet in their houses. 357 00:25:14,746 --> 00:25:16,577 Have you ever thought that? 358 00:25:19,818 --> 00:25:23,686 Apparently not. We're going to have to put some practice in! 359 00:25:23,855 --> 00:25:26,619 Your tongue slipped into my mouth just then! 360 00:25:27,726 --> 00:25:30,024 Unzip me! 361 00:25:37,469 --> 00:25:39,300 Come on, come on! 362 00:26:04,996 --> 00:26:07,157 Come on, then, big boy. 363 00:26:07,332 --> 00:26:09,300 Who? Where? 364 00:26:09,467 --> 00:26:11,867 Oh! It was a joke! 365 00:26:12,037 --> 00:26:15,495 Come on! I want you! 366 00:26:16,908 --> 00:26:20,207 This is it! It's going to happen! 367 00:26:47,038 --> 00:26:49,370 It's a very pretty colour, this ambulance! 368 00:26:51,476 --> 00:26:55,776 Hey... That was a bit of a close thing, wasn't it, Richie? 369 00:26:55,947 --> 00:26:58,142 You're telling me! 370 00:26:58,316 --> 00:27:00,375 I was within two feet of it. 371 00:27:00,552 --> 00:27:02,349 She was lying in my bed 372 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:06,923 completely naked, saying, "Come on, Richie, do it to me." 373 00:27:07,092 --> 00:27:10,425 - Tell you what, Eddie... - What? 374 00:27:10,595 --> 00:27:13,962 - I reckon I could have had her. - Really? 375 00:27:14,132 --> 00:27:18,865 If my stupid ticker hadn't given out, she could have had my cherry. 376 00:27:19,037 --> 00:27:22,165 Well, don't you worry, Richie, 377 00:27:22,340 --> 00:27:24,604 she was crap anyway. 378 00:27:25,543 --> 00:27:28,103 What? 379 00:27:30,015 --> 00:27:31,812 Yeah, well... 380 00:27:31,983 --> 00:27:36,477 we got bored waiting for the ambulance to turn up. 381 00:27:36,655 --> 00:27:40,352 Can you believe it? Five hours! 382 00:27:40,525 --> 00:27:42,550 I was totally exhausted! 383 00:27:42,727 --> 00:27:44,820 What?! 384 00:27:44,996 --> 00:27:48,227 And by the way, it wasn't your heart, no. 385 00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:51,665 You know that cheap surgeon I arranged for the kidney job? 386 00:27:51,836 --> 00:27:54,168 - Yeah. - Apparently, 387 00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:57,706 he wired your kidney and your bladder back to front 388 00:27:57,876 --> 00:27:59,571 and the whole system backfired. 389 00:28:01,046 --> 00:28:03,037 - Eddie. - What? 390 00:28:03,214 --> 00:28:07,173 - Pass the heart resuscitator. - All right, then. 391 00:28:08,386 --> 00:28:10,616 There you go. 392 00:28:10,789 --> 00:28:12,620 Feeling poorly again, are you? 393 00:28:12,791 --> 00:28:14,986 No, you are!